Imagining the Big Baller League.

Yes, I’m calling it the Big Baller League because it will have nothing but Big Ballers who ain’t never lost.

If you made a collection of all the ridiculous news clippings about LaVar Ball from this calendar year, you‘d end up with roughly four tomes of War & Peace. This week, LaVar Ball once again shook the sports world with his big announcement that he‘ll be starting his own basketball league for players who wish to forego the NCAA and get paid for playing.

It’s a valiant idea and one that expands the debate we’ve been having for years about whether or not the NCAA should pay their athletes or if NBA eligibility rules are simply in place to keep the college game alive (at the student athletes’ expense). In reality, we need an imminent answer as players are actively looking for alternatives for playing for free in College. Players who just happen to include LaVar’s two younger sons, one of whom is at least three plays away from a Lithuanian rehabilitation gulag. Give all the credit to LaVar Ball, however self-serving, to actually be a critical thinker when the cameras are off, but I hesitate to call him the savior of the doomed College-to-Pro structure or the basketball Messiah.

However, if the BBL (sticking to it) does succeed, LaVar will shape it in his own image. It won’t just be a NCAA alternative, it will be its own entity with its own set of rules, a Frankenstein’s monster of Ball patriarch’s propensity for grand spectacle, desire to see LaMelo succeed and actual basketball. This is what the BBL will look like.

Best believe we’re making money. With the NCAA out of the way, jerseys start to look like soccer kits. Restraint goes out the window as his own son’s team is sponsored outwardly by Big Baller Brand itself which doesn’t have to pay premiums on jersey spots. Pepsi buys in right away, Coca-Cola decides to wait. Nike and Adidas are banned.

Speaking of which, no other brand than the BBB is allowed on the court. There’s a 10 point penalty per player if anyone even touches the hardwood wearing LeBrons. Players have to actually pay for the shoes themselves, in some cases, even help with the production process.

Let’s be real, who needs to hear constant criticism? No one. Especially not LaVar Ball. ESPN would probably pay top money for the rights to broadcast, seeing how they went out of their way to have LaVar Ball on-air as much as possible this year. The shrewd move is of course to axe out all commentators and just mic up LaVar Ball himself on the sidelines. Don’t worry, he will not run out of things to say.

It will probably start small, with teams in a concentrated area to avoid both travel times and costs. I would assume California so LaVar can keep his children close to home, lest an outside influence teaches young LaMelo how to pass and what the statistical value of an assist is. LaVar will want to control all operations and stay close to his oldest son, who will probably be paying the promised $1,000 to $10,000 per month salary at first. You’re an investor Lonzo, congratulations.

In the world of LaVar Ball your payment structure can be whatever LaVar Ball wants it to be. Your $10,000 payday may be just that, in cold hard cash or it could be a $3,000 payday and a donation that has been made in your name to the Big Baller Foundation for the betterment and advancement of LaMelo Ball. It is unclear where, if at all, LaVar is going to generate enough capital to not only build the infrastructure to run this league, but also to pay players out of pocket.

Players are allowed to sign sponsorship deals, but only with the Big Baller Brand.

This is where we get to the good stuff. The rule changes that will make the BBL the most exciting basketball enterprise since pretty much ever.

Every LaMelo Ball shot is automatically worth +1 point. If he shoots a two? That’s a three. If he shoots a free-throw, that’s a two. If he shoots a three, that’s a five, because he pretty much just always shoots from half court. Assists to LaMelo Ball are automatically worth +1 point as well. Setting a screen to get him open for another three is +0.5. Asking for the ball while LaMelo is dribbling is a deduction of -2 (Dion Waiters wouldn’t be particularly effective in this league).

Defensively, any action to impact LaMelo in a negative manner will be worth -1 point, that includes steals, blocks or even the ability to get over a screen. Dunking on LaMelo is an automatic forfeit, but will earn you a direct way straight into my heart.

Scoring on LaMelo gets an automatic subtraction to whatever the point value of your shot was. For example, if you grill a three in his face, that three will be worth a two. Theoretically this will encourage ball movement.

Each team will be maximum seven players deep to avoid the possibility of paying more players than they have to. For this reason, foul penalties will be eliminated. The free-throw infractions will still stand, however players will not be sent off after six fouls. Instead, $100 will be deducted from their salary per foul to save the Ball family on operating costs.

Slam Dunks will be worth additional points based on the difficulty level and crowd reaction. LaVar Ball will be the active judge of the crowd reaction on this one. That’s right, he’ll be both the commentator and the score keeper. Let’s say someone has a regular two handed dunk and LaVar just goes: “that’s okay.” That dunk will only be worth the standard two points. If someone however does a three-sixty windmill on the fast break and LaVar jumps out of his seat with the energy of a raging buffalo stampede, that dunk will be worth an additional three-points. Anything that gets LaVar out of his seat is worth at least an extra point.

LaVar Ball raised his kids to have a quick trigger finger and to play at a fast pace, evident in multiple highlight videos of LaMelo Ball pulling-up as soon as he crosses half-court. The BBL will encourage this mentality by cutting the shot-clock in half. To make the adjustment slightly more rational, the clock will only start once a player with the ball crosses half-court. This way, no one can get mad at young superstars for not exploring their offensive opportunities and putting one up the moment their foot steps across half.

These are league sanctioned time-outs that allow LaVar Ball to stop the play at any point in the game and have an animated discussion with one or both of the coaches about their strategies. This can include outward criticism of defensive or offensive schemes or simple suggestions such as “shoot more threes.” There will be unlimited LaVar Time-Outs.

Each game will be 30 minutes in total with 5 minutes for half-time. The more games get played on a given night, the higher the broadcasting revenue will be. LaVar ain’t got time for anything else.

For the rest of the game, it will mostly resemble basketball of some sort, but in a wild and imaginative head of LaVar Ball. I know the League itself is a long-shot at this point, but if it ever comes to fruition there is no reason to believe that the proposed rule changes will come as well. It must be intriguing to be in the mind of LaVar Ball. I wish I could do that for a day. I don’t think I’d last much longer.

Related posts:

This is my calligraphic work for Tales We Tell. Tales We Tell is a storytelling organization in Hong Kong. It has been running a community storytelling activity as Yau Ma Tei @ Hong Kong for two…

Nos cae un poco gordo este afán de discutir si una práctica sexual es más o menos natural. ¿Qué tiene que ver lo natural con las actividades humanas? En todo lo que hacemos, el artificio es una…

Imagine an Alexa skill that gives you some facts. It’s a simple skill — you just launch it, and it tells you a fact on some topic. Simple Alexa skills for Amazon Echo share the same facts every time…