Online Content To Be Traded As Commodity On Chicago Mercantile Exchange

YOUR WRITING IS WORTHLESS

The web wants quantity, not quality

In a bid to capitalize on the exploding market for online copy, the Chicago Mercantile Exchange has announced that it will begin trading content futures.

CME spokesperson Emily Leeds-Hetherington said, “Every year there are more blank spaces on the internet, and while most of them can be filled with cat videos and pharmaceutical ads, some people still like to read words. And they don’t have to be high-quality words as long as they’re in a nice font.”

“The increasing need for content across news outlets, social media platforms, and pornography site comment sections means an ongoing market that people will want to invest in.”

“In addition, with 90% of content expected to be AI-generated by the year 2025, now is the time to start trading a low-grade, low-cost product that constantly needs replacement as attention spans get shorter.”

“Human writers are still welcome to contribute of course, but we don’t see them as being necessary or useful in the modern content market,” said Leeds-Hetherington. “What the web wants is quantity, not quality.”

The new Content contracts and expected opening prices for the September contracts are:

California Crude
Used primarily for comments on women’s social media posts.
.50 / 10,000 words

Web Basic
Innocuous, meaningless chatter to fill the space between screen grabs of hilarious Twitter comments and texts from exes.
.75/ 10,000 words

Info Light
Fun facts about history or science; guaranteed at least 50% accurate.
1.00 / 10,000 words

Conspiracy Rant
Inaccurate and unhinged discussion of popular topics like Covid-19 and climate change.
.25 / 10,000 words

Poetry Blog (Special)
Poetry and personal reminiscing about life and love.
0.02 / 10,000 words

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